Amethyst Waterfall Beautiful Love-chan Ruins Everything
by U-Mad Max
Summary: (A spoof. What if a Mary Sue came to Smash, but nothing about Smash changed for her?) A beautiful girl with shining purple hair and magical powers arrives at the Smash Mansion in her underwear to join the Smashers, fight darkness, and find her true love. The Smashers are not impressed. Hilarity... Well, enSUEs.
1. There's a Bimbo On Our Lawn

**I'm Max, aka The-Max765 on Deviantart, and this is a collaborative work with my friend Alice aka bloodfangthegreen on Deviantart. Some things about this fic: Human!Master Hand is Dexter Timaeus and Human!Crazy Hand is Sinister Timaeus. My deviantart has my pictures of them and what they look like. Also, none of my fics will have shipping. So if you came for that bullshit, I'm just sayin'. Anyways, here it is: Amethyst Waterfall Beautiful Love-chan Ruins Everything.**

CHAPTER ONE: There's a Bimbo On Our Lawn!

"Dexter, there's a rainicorn outside."

"That's strange, they don't usually migrate through here until fall. Is it hurt?"

"I dunno, but there's someone on it."

"Who in their right mind would try to tame a rainicorn? They're very territorial."

"Apparently some kinda… space hooker. Should I call Resetti?"

"No, no. This is the one who's been sending us all of those letters. I wanted her to stop, so-"

"So you let her in!? You must be crazier than me! LOOK AT HER!"

"I'd rather not, Sinister, and I have a very good reason for it."

"It's not because people keep complaining about there not being enough female characters, is it?"

"No. Just... keep an eye on her. Warp her in here, I don't want her near anyone quite yet."

"Okey-dokey! Whoops, wrong button."

"Damnit, now there are muffins everywhere. Why do we even have that button?"  
"Because Muffin Button. Here we go~!"

A pipe appeared in the center of the office, and the "space hooker" climbed out of it, rather bewildered at the environment. She stared at a shelf full of various magical weapons and potions for a few minutes before finally realizing that she was in someone else's presence.

"Ahem. You are-"

"Amethyst Waterfall Beautiful Love-chan, princess of the Terran system, at your service~!" She twirled around dramatically and posed, winking and holding up a peace sign.

"Amanda Johnson, yes. I am aware of your persona. I am Dexter Timaeus, headmaster of the Smash Mansion, and this is my brother, Sinister."

"Hi~!" Sinister chirped, manically waving his hand.

"So you got my letters? Wow, you really do care about your fans, don't you? Or do you just care about me, Dexter-senpai~?"

"The former would be more appropriate to assume. And yes, we got your letters. Pelly is still processing a few thousand or so of them."

"Have you read any of them?"

"Yes. Incidentally, you will be enrolled in the Smash Academy while you're here, to further your education. We will start you at your current estimated grade level-"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I always get top marks on my tests-"

"Fifth grade."

"WHAT!? You can't be serious, Senpai."

"Don't call me 'Senpai.'"

"Also, don't call me 'senpai', either. You probably shouldn't call anyone 'senpai'. It's kinda creepy. Okay, it's really creepy." Sinister chimed in.

"It's just an honorific. It's polite." Amethyst said, indignantly.

"The correct term would be 'Dexter-sama.' 'Senpai' carries… different connotations here. You, of all people, should understand. In any case, we have quantitated your universe's physical conditions, and as such you will be housed in the East Wing of the Mansion."

"Ooh, isn't that the fantasy wing with all the hot guys?"

"Unfortunately, yes. You will be roommates with…" He sifted through some papers, trying to find someone she wouldn't try to molest, "Palutena."

"Oh. Well, at least I get to be around another goddess, I guess."

The Brothers just looked at each other for a few seconds, practically facepalming.

"I certainly hope you aren't being literal, Amanda."

"My name is AMETHYST. And I am being literal. I'm half human, half fairy, and half angel. That's basically a goddess, right?"

"I'm... not sure you know quite how fractions work."

"How..? ...Ew." Said Sinister, the thought of copulating fairies and angels and various wings sticking out of a baby accidentally creeping himself out.

"You're just jealous of my power and beauty and stuff."

"I can assure you that is not the case. Your room is the twelfth on the right on the third-floor corridor of the East Wing. The door is behind you. I'll see you in the mess hall at six o'clock sharp. Don't be late, Peach is making cake for everyone."

She stood there for a minute or so, staring blankly at Dexter, who had gone back to doing paperwork at mach speed. Sinister walked over to the newcomer.

"See this thing? It's called a 'door.' You can use it to leave the room and not get removed from it forcibly by a giant, angry hand. Simply press the 'A' button to avoid getting flicked to death! Easy, right?" She stared at Sinister for a few more seconds.

"Your hair is so pretty, Sinister-senpai. EEK!" Suddenly, Sinister's left glove engulfed his body, picked up the obtuse girl, and, true to his word, flicked her out of the office through a portal.

"I warned you!" Sinister, still in his Hand form, shouted through the aperture, wagging his finger disapprovingly. He shut the portal, and Amethyst got to her feet. She looked around the room; It looked like she was in the drawing room of a castle. Light filtered down from ten-foot-tall arched windows swathed with blue-velvet curtains, between which there were displays of various weapons, suits of armour, shields, and various bizarre artifacts. On the far end of the room was a grand fireplace with an incredibly complicated coat-of-arms hung above it, along with the skulls of an enormous dragon and an equally enormous boar-like creature. The walls were lined with shelves heaped with books and yet more strange devices, and the tables were cluttered with an odd juxtaposition of training swords, empty potion bottles, and a handful of beaten-up gamecube controllers. More importantly, there was a collection of twenty-or-so people staring in a combination of confusion, amusement, and dread at their new counterpart. A particularly austere-looking young man in blue spoke up.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Amethyst Waterfall Beautiful Love-chan, Princess of the Terran system and Guardian of the Life-"

"Hold on, aren't you the one that's been sending Dexter all of those letters?" Said a winged boy who was fiddling around with a bizarre artifact.

"There weren't that many." She said, indignantly.

"Quill had to get surgery in his shoulder because of all the letters he had to carry." chimed in a green-clad kid who looked like he'd just escaped from a cartoon. This seemed to irk the austere young man yet more.

"What, exactly, are you doing here? Please tell me you're only visiting…"

"I'm a new fighter~!"

"Oh, goddamnit. Not again." He sighed, clearly dreading the next few months around this obnoxious newcomer. "Well, if you're going to stay in _my_ wing of the Smash Mansion, you're going to have to follow the rules. Most importantly, rules number 4, 5 and 27, addendum A."

"What?"

"Please don't tell me you neglected to read the rules." The other occupants of the room looked at Amethyst as if to say, "You've messed up big-time."

"Fine, if you insist on making me do _everything_. Rule number 4 states, 'No-one is to make sexual advances on the head of the Fantasy Wing.' Rule 5 states, 'no-one is to make unwanted sexual advances on _anyone_ in the Fantasy Wing.' Finally, and possibly more urgently, rule 27, addendum A states that, 'smashers are not to wear nothing but lingerie.' I get that you're a hero and all, but frankly you've taken wearing underwear on the outside _much_ too far. Are you even listening?" The question was more than valid, since she seemed to be attempting to burn a hole in his face with her stare.

"You're very handsome."

"Please refer to rule #4, thank you."

"But aren't rules meant to be broken, Marth-senpai?"

"Not _my_ rules, and- Wait, how do you know my name?"

"I'm a huuuge fan of your games~!"

"Uh-huh, sure. Summarize for me, if you will, the plot of Fire Emblem 1."

"Umm…"

"That's what I thought."

"You can't really be a fan of something if you know nothing about it." Said a gangly young man wearing the same thing as the kid from earlier.

"That's not true! You just don't understand! You- you BAKA!" She ran away crying.

"See, this is why I don't talk."


	2. Chapter 2: Idiotic Boogaloo

**Hey readers! It's the next chapter, filled with more lulz and Amethyst being a nymphomaniacal moron!**

CHAPTER TWO: IDIOTIC BOOGALOO

Amethyst ran down the hallway, her mood-ring eye having turned bright blue in sadness and pouring glittery rainbow tears. As she ran past one of the dorms, she caught the sound of loud music and the even more tantalizing sound of a celebrating adolescent boy.

The poster-covered door, adorned with a piece of cardboard with "Pit's (and Pitoo's) Room" scrawled on it in marker, was slightly ajar. She peered through the opening to see Dark Pit slouching casually against one wall, tossing darts at his roommate's various posters. This would have seemed easy, considering how many there were, but he seemed intent on hitting the eyes of the characters depicted on said posters, which he was doing on a surprisingly consistent basis. Above the raucous notes of his music, he somehow noticed Amethyst's presence, and he whirled around, trying to look more intimidating than awkward.

"ACK! What the hell are you doing in here!" The dark-winged boy was glaring daggers at Amethyst, who was in turn staring wistfully at him.

"It was an accident, I thought it was my room." She shrugged, purposely jiggling her oversized breasts.

"How the hell did you confuse me and Pit's room with Palutena's? Didn't you see the big sign on the door? Didn't you notice the bunk bed? Didn't you notice the _mess_!? You knew that this wasn't your room. So what are you doing in here?" He noticed that her eye was flickering between fearful orange and lustful pink, but couldn't himself tell what the colours meant.

"What are _you_ doing in here, hm?" She cooed, licking her gloss-coated lips.

Dark Pit sighed, shaking his head. "Playing darts. What's it to you?"

"Wanna have some fun?" She winked, her kaleidoscope-rainbow eye glittering with intrigue.

"What, you wanna be the target or something?" He smirked, weaving one of his darts between his fingers.

"You're hot." Her eye was glowing hot pink.

"Is that a yes?" Dark Pit was about done with her advances.

"I want to be a target for your- OUCH!"

"Heh. Bullseye." A sly grin spread across his face.

"MY BOOB! OW! You're so mean!" Amethyst's eye had turned faintly red with anger.

"I'm the bad guy, dumbass. I get to be mean."

"You've been naughty. You need to be disciplined." She giggled menacingly as her eye flickered deep purple and she produced a heart-shaped riding crop out of who-knows-where. Dark Pit rolled his statically-crimson eyes.

"Oh look, it thinks it's people. Get that weak shit outta my face, willya? I'm not sure if that dart in your tit really got it through to you, but I'm NOT INTERESTED. Get out." He snarled, pointing at the door.

"Oh, I see how it is. You like Pit, don't you~?"

"NO! GET OUT OF MY ROOM, DAMNIT!"  
"If you get tired of him, I'm right next door~!" She

sang, winking instead of leaving.

"Seriously, you should have passed out from blood loss by now!" He snarled, clasping his hand around his face.

"I can't be hurt by anything but a broken heart~" She chirped, melodramatically staring at nothing.

"Urggh, fine." He darted across the room, kissed her on the cheek, turned very green, and smacked her across the face. "Nobody here wants to have sex with you. Now never let me see you again. I gotta go throw up now."

"B-but…"

"GET -urk- OUT."

"Fine. But only if you can deal with the fact that you can never have me."

"If I don't want to do a trashcan, I think can live without your dirty poon." Tears began to well up in the girl's day-glo-blue eyes.

"Oh, did I hurt your precious little feelings~? Is something wrong with ickle Mary-Sue? Baww, mean old Dark Pit is a meanie butt~! Tell it to your blog or Tumblr or whatever, you stupid whore."

"I'm not a whore!"

Dark Pit's hand met his forehead with a resounding smack, his increasing frustration very apparent.

"YOU TRIED TO FUCK ME THE SECOND YOU SAW ME. Fine, you're an obnoxious slut, then. Whatever. Just go away."

"F-fine." She ran away crying once again.


	3. Palutena's Misguidance

**Chapter three is here! Woohoo!**

Amethyst realized she wasn't fooling anyone by going into the wrong room, so she decided she would go into her own. As she walked in, she was greeted by a very bright light, like she was walking outside on a sunny day. Sitting across the room was the source of the light: an elegant woman in a white robe with long green hair.

"Hello, Amethyst."

"How did you know my name? You must be psychic!"

"Actually, I was told about you beforehand. You're not wrong, though." She laughed softly. "So, you're an angel, I've heard. So is Pit. You two might get along."

"Is he that grumpy guy next door?"

"Black hair or blonde hair?"

"Black."

"No, that's Dark Pit. He's like Pit, but, well, evil. I think. He's gotten a lot nicer since he moved here."

"Well, I think he's mean."

"Well, he was designed for the express purpose of killing people. I guess Pit was, too, but he's unruly. I liked it, so I kept him like that."

"Wh-what?"

"Sometimes, you don't want minions. You just want kids. And sometimes you don't realize that what you're doing is wrong until you're halfway through flooding a town with plague rats. Or hornets. Or just making everyone's hearts explode."

Amethyst stared at her obviously unstable roommate for a minute or so, realizing that she was not, in fact, going to be much like her.

"Umm, do you like my outfit?" She said, trying to change the subject to something that she considered less creepy.

"Is there supposed to be a dart in your breast?"

"Oh, no. I forgot that was there."

"How...? Never mind. Would you like me to fix it? Otherwise it might get infected, and then the infection could spread to your heart and blood, and then everything would go-"

"Ok, ok, you can fix it!"

"Hold still." Amethyst felt her head spinning as she fell asleep almost instantly and began having a dream about god-knows-what. When she woke up, the dart was gone from her chest. So were about six cup sizes.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?"

"I prevented you from having crippling back problems in the future. You're welcome."

"NOW HOW AM I GONNA GET BOYS TO LIKE ME!?"

"Work on your personality."

"YOU BAKA, YOU'VE RUINED MY SOCIAL LIFE!"

"I'm simply finishing what you started, then."

Suddenly, Pit ran into the room yelling. "LADY PALUTENA, THERE'S BLOOD IN MY ROOM AND DARK PIT IS BARFING RAINBOWS!"

Palutena seemed particularly unfazed by this. "Give him one of these." She handed him a bottle of glowing golden liquid.

"Thanks. Oh, hey, it's you. I, um- Hey, where are you going?" Palutena was off to the other room, apparently changing her mind about who was going to administer the potion to Dark Pit.

"Don't leave me in here with… Oh, never mind, you're gone."

"Hi, Pit."

"Um, hi. I assume Lady Palutena's already introduced me?"

"Yes. She's… weird."

"Nothing much out of the ordinary around here, in that case."

"She gives me the creeps."

"Well, I don't have anything bad to say about her. And even if I did, she would know, and my tongue would come out of my mouth and strangle me. Heh."

"She's not here, you can be honest with me."

Pit leaned down, and whispered, "She's everywhere."  
As his face was near hers, she grabbed his head and began slobbering all over his face.

"ACK! HELP! SHE'S KISSING ME! EW, EW, EW! STOP IT!"

"Your hair is so soft, Pitty~!"

"ARGH! QUIT IT! I'M NOT INTO YOU, OKAY! I JUST MET YOU! LADY PALUTENA, HELP!"

"Oh, me. What in the world are you doing, Pit?" the suddenly-present goddess said, telekinetically lifting the slobbering weeaboo off of the frazzled boy.

"It wasn't my fault, I was kidding around and she started kissing all over my face!"

"Pit, she can't help it, you're so cute~!"

"Stop it, milady."

"Oh, Pit you're funny." She ruffled his hair playfully.

"This is weird, your radiance. Quit it."

"Isn't he hot, Miss?"

"Hot!? Oh, of course not! He's like a son to me. And my little boy isn't gonna be dating anyone until he gets a bit older."

"You're embarrassing me, milady. And please stop petting my wings, they're sore."

"Is there something wrong with them?"

"N-no, they're fine, I've just been, y'know, training."

"Are they not adequate? Hm? Are you not grateful for my gifts?"

"They're perfect, of course! I just- err- they're fine."

"Have you been trying to fly without my permission?"

"N-no, no, of course not, your grace!"

"Are you still here?" Palutena glared at Amethyst, who was indeed still staring longingly at Pit. "Go on, shoo. Pit needs his wings… fixed." Amethyst seemed to be completely unaware of the young Mercurial's fearful expression as she blew him a kiss and walked back towards the common room.

Author's Note: A Mercurial is my headcanon terminology for exactly what kind of angel Pit is. There are millions of kinds of angels... most of them murderous zealots. The addition of Bayonetta to Smash should be a pretty good indicator of why I'm doing this.


End file.
